


Insecurity

by Sxross



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friendship, Letters, Multi, Politics, Slow Burn, Triwizard Tournament
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 09:02:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15726219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sxross/pseuds/Sxross
Summary: The fourth year is where she found herself in a bit of a hard spot. She had no friends unless you counted silent ones, no allies, her Mothers health was failing, stupid Greengrass was flaunting her tie to the Malfoys by marriage contract, the Triwizard Tournament happening when she was sure she was just going to fail Charms altogether, and here she was, sitting on a crumbling staircase in a drafty tower in the most haunted looking hallway she could find. She desperately wished her Brother was a ghost somewhere and that he would see her here because all she had left was Opal and the cat wouldn't take much more of Pansy ugly sobbing into her fur.Her crying was so loud that it must have attracted someone else because when someone touched her shoulder, she just about jumped out of her skin.And there was Harry Potter. Being his usual awkward hero self while patting her shoulder and looking very intently at the wall beyond her head.





	Insecurity

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading! I really liked the idea of this and it's been rattling around in my head for a while so I figured it was time to get it out.

When Pansy was six years old, she didn't understand. She wanted an enchanted diamond songbird and to be the next Lady Malfoy. She didn't see how her Fathers face went blank or notice how her mother would leave the room when she spouted nonsense about a blonde Prince she would marry and how she would live happily ever after in a castle full of purple rooms and having every wish she ever had granted.

 --

She didn't remember the Brother who would wave at her from the picture on the mantle when she passed by. George looked like Mother in a way she didn't. He was tall and thin with chestnut hair that had a silly cowlick in the front and a goofy lopsided grin that seemed to be more prominent when he saw her. She wishes he was a moving painting instead. Then she could ask why Mother always cried when she thought no one was around, or why Father would pretend not to exist sometimes when she needed him.

\-- 

When Pansy had just turned 9, she understood. George should be here, but he's not because the snake on his arm like her Fathers made him do bad things. George went to sleep in the bathtub and never woke up. Pansy is scared of the hallway with that bathroom. It smells like the something from the garden pile the house elves make from kitchen scraps, and the doors don't open right. She thinks Mother tried to spell them all shut but the charm is wearing off and the doors creak and whine when she tries to open them. Even the side table drawers don't open right. She knows there are more pictures of George in them, but she can't seem to wish her magic to do it for her. She stays away from the West wing of the house.

  
That hallway is the Heirs rooms, and even though she's the heir now, she stays in her lavender room with her picture window that looks out on the Rose garden and where when she closes her door and pretends hard she doesn't hear Mother crying. The sound moves through the house, and she desperately wishes she didn't feel like she lived with ghosts.

\-- 

When Pansy was 10, her Mother became someone she didn't know anymore. Mother and Father had just returned from one of their regular trips to St. Mungos and Father had led Mother straight to her room. By now Pansy knew that she was supposed to have little brothers and sisters, but they all either died early or didn't breathe when they were born. Pansy hated her view of the rose garden now. Mother planted a new moon rose for each her almost siblings, and she wanted to scream when the examiner awarded Mother the yearly prize for the best society tea garden.

  
Pansy once saw one of her Mothers fits and heard her say that everything was Lady Malfoys fault. When she asked her Uncle George why she thought that, he said that the Lady Malfoy had cursed her Mother just after Pansy was born and that she couldn't have more children who could be traitors like Georgie because of it. He said a lot of other things about the Lady Malfoy and her sisters too, but that was why Pansy was going to marry Draco. To make sure that she was loyal to the Cause, whatever that was, even though they were the reason her brother was gone and why her Mother planted roses.

\-- 

The Summer she turned 11 all she wanted was a cat and not see her Mother cry anymore. Her Father got her a pure white kitten she named Opal and Mother smiled at her when she gifted her with a necklace made of platinum with a single black pearl on it. Her cake was a vanilla Lavender cake with Lavender from their garden, and the house was lit up with enchanted fairy lights, and she loved her two presents more than anything, but she wouldn't see her Mother smile again until she died.

\-- 

The celebration she was forced to attend to retain any social bearing at school was held for all the Pure-Blooded children in the dark families circle that had received their Hogwarts letter that summer. Yes, she wanted to get Slytherin, no She wouldn't mind Ravenclaw, but Pansy only liked romance books and flowers so she probably wouldn't get that. She didn't admit to not being very cunning or ambitious either, and she also wasn't brave or trusting or kind. She didn't want to stand around with children she would be forced to see every day for the next seven years.

  
She hated Daphne's stupid blonde hair that was never out of place and Vincent and Gregory smelled that the rot from the west wing. Her dress wasn't the right shade of purple, and her hair wasn't sitting right she hated that she had cut it so short in a fit of rage at the waves that never looked right when it was long. Her shoes were pinching her toes, and the only person Pansy would consider talking to was Millicent, and Millicent was as happy to talk to others as Pansy was so was a lost cause altogether. She knew though if she had to hear Draco brag one more time, she would either scream like that Banshee she saw once or imitate her Mother and cry because this is her life until she died.

  
His next boast was about the Silver and Gold roses his Mother had just planted, and how he was confident this year, it would bag them the tea garden prize. As if Lady Malfoy hadn't already taken everything else from her Mother. She didn't even have a reason to plant the stupid roses that smelled like death and muddy water. Let the witch sit in her stupid crystal gazebo and smell that death she dealt to those around her. He didn't stop there though. No, the stupid rat couldn't just shut up. When he asked Pansy if her Mother would share the secret to the New Moon roses, she wanted to scream it came from the death of infants caused by curses cast by hags in the disguise of beautiful women. Instead, she just cocked back her arm and hit him in the nose as hard as her 11-year-old muscles would allow. Which arguably wasn't very hard but Draco had an 11-year-old nose, and the crack followed the pained cry, and surprised gasps were the best thing she had heard all year(which was a low bar to meet, she only ever listened to her mother crying or silence). She was ushered out of the party by her horrified Father, and even though he wouldn't say anything, the tight lines of his face and her Mothers grieved one did give her pause.

  
The curt owl, her Father, received notifying them of the betrothal contract between Draco and Pansy being nullified by the Malfoys attorney was a victory Pansy hadn't anticipated. Her Fathers glare of disappointment didn't last long, and the relief displayed on her Mother face allowed her to relax. She still didn't understand how her actions could cause her parents grief or worry, but she now realizes that what she did could have ended in curses flying or worse a charge against her filed at the Aurors office. She figures thought that the Malfoys have enough skeletons in their garden then to go poking around in one that actually contains bones.

\-- 

Her train ride to Hogwarts was uneventful. Her house-elf Tinzy fixed her hair and the newly shorted even further bob looked quite cute and was very manageable for her alone without Tinzy there to be at her beck and call. She almost couldn't wait to see what Daphne's hair devolved too this year. She exchanged polite greetings with those she knew would be in Slytherin with her and shared a small smile with Blaise and surprisingly Theo who she never saw at any event. His Father was frighteningly protective of Theo and his baby sister Teresa and after Lady Nott died of fever complications. Most suspected Poison, but it couldn't be proven.

  
Her first year was surprisingly dull. She didn't stand out much with Tracy and Daphne leading the pack of girls, and her grades were good enough not to get any negative comment about them at least. She struck up an unlikely accord with Theo as they both spent much of their times either in the Library or out in the far eastern courtyard. It was a tired and overlooked patch of an area, but the sun came in nicely in the morning, and the roses there reminded her a bit of home. She could sit on the old stone bench in silence with Theo, and he thankfully didn't bother her, and she didn't bother him. It was as lovely as something could get between two disgraced families.

\-- 

Second-year unleashed a giant snake and a sinking crush on the stupid, meek, messy haired, and otherwise wholly unimpressive Boy-Who-Lived. She wished that maybe the school would be closed down. Then she wouldn't have to worry about classmates turning on her, and her well of false bravado was emptying fast. There's only so much Professor Snape would be willing to do for her if she didn't just keep her head down and pretend she didn't exist.

  
The school ended up not closing down, and they never found out who the real heir of Slytherin was. She didn't incure anymore wrath from her housemates for not conforming to their rules, and when she peeked into the hospital wing, she saw for herself that Potter wasn't, in fact, dead but okay. She could also celebrate that hack of a teacher disappearing.

\-- 

Third-year changed things. She realized that the prospect of Potter being murdered by his insane God-Father put her crush into startling perspective and she knew that if she Father found out, he would not be pleased with her. The only highlights of the year were Draco being punched by Granger and the fact that it seemed someone was finally giving her courtyard some attention. There was only so much she could do herself after all.

\-- 

The fourth year is where she found herself in a bit of a hard spot. She had no friends unless you counted silent ones, no allies, her Mothers health was failing, stupid Greengrass was flaunting her tie to the Malfoys by marriage contract, the Triwizard Tournament happening when she was sure she was just going to fail Charms altogether, and here she was, sitting on a crumbling staircase in a drafty tower in the most haunted looking hallway she could find. She desperately wished her Brother was a ghost somewhere and that he would see her here because all she had left was Opal and the cat wouldn't take much more of Pansy ugly sobbing into her fur.

  
Her crying was so loud that it must have attracted someone else because when someone touched her shoulder, she just about jumped out of her skin.  
And there was Harry Potter. Being his usual awkward hero self while patting her shoulder and looking very intently at the wall beyond her head.

  
“I, er, heard someone crying. So…” He pulled his hand back as he looked away from her.

"No one ever comes down this hallway" She doesn't want to sound accusing or angry, but her tone is sharp anyway.

  
"Yeah, your footprints were the only ones in the dust." She looks at him "I don't sleep." He's quick to fill the silence and blinks and turns red when he realizes what he just said "I mean I sleep. I totally sleep. Just, you know, not tonight…” He trails off and looks at her finally.

  
"I don't sleep either." She's sure that it's for an entirely different reason than his since her dorm is hell on blonde curly earth. She looks away from the Wizard and down to Opal is giving her a reproachful look. Which is probably due to all the tears she drenched her cat in.

  
"Really? You never look tired. Not that I look at you." He looks shocked again. "I mean I look at you! Not in a weird way though! You don't even look tired now. Just…" He flounders for a second, and she wondered how someone hasn't just put the idiot out of his misery yet. "You just look sad I guess."

  
Pansy doesn't know what to say to that. Sad would be the understatement of the year, but she doesn't feel anything anymore. "Yes well. Things aren't always sunshine." She ends up saying.

  
“Oh.” He sits there for a moment in silence “Is that your cat?” He points down to Opal who pointedly ignores him.

  
She wants to snap its rude to point, and that, of course, it's her cat, she has a purple scarf on which should make it visible "She is" She goes for polite instead. Father would be so proud of her.

  
“Whats her name?”

  
"Opal." And Opal pointedly sticks her nose up in the air and turns her head from both of them.

  
“She seems… Nice. Can I pet her” Crookshanks isn’t very friendly.”

  
She raises an eyebrow at his impropriety "Kneazles aren't known for being friends, and witch familiars make up their own minds. I don't speak for her, and more then I would speak for anyone else I came across." Opal looks up at her then, and her silver eyes aren't entirely frosty for once.

  
"I didn't know that." He puts his hand out to let Opal sniff it but she shifts away, and Potter looks disappointed.

  
"How do you not know that? Does your owl let others touch her freely?" She's skeptical that's the case, but who knows at this point. She never thought she would ever sit and have a conversation with Potter, and it's entirely possible his owl is that open.

  
"Well no. At least I don't think so. Hedwig stays in the owlery most of the time so other people could be giving her all kinds of attention."

  
“I doubt that.” Pansy lets out an unladylike snort. Her Fathers owl Magnus doesn’t let anyone near him, not even her or Mother.

  
"We may never know I suppose." He shrugs, and they sit in silence for a moment before he clears his throat at a volume too loud for their narrow staircase "So… want to talk about it?"

  
"I'm not sure what there is to talk about." She's not sure why shes still sitting there but shes shutting down that line of conversation.

  
“Okay, um, well… can I ask you a question then?”

  
"No rules is saying you can't unfortunately." She shrugs, and Opal looks affronted, so she pets her to appease the little demon and for something for her hands to do.

  
“I remember, last year. You were the only Slytherin to do the boggart." She stiffened at the question, and so did Opal, but the boy misses every queue unless its literally under his nose. "Why a Bathtub?"

  
She hopes her face is blank and not portraying the panic she feels at those words "We never did see yours. Is it the Dark Lord?" She's thankful her voice doesn't shake.

  
He looks confused for a moment, and she thinks its at her choice of words "No? I thought everyone knew?" He looks thoroughly confused now, and she raises an eyebrow in question "It's a Dementor." That made sense to her she supposed, fearing fear "It makes me hear my Mum."

  
He shrugs, and she feels genuinely sorry for him. She thinks she would hear her Mother too or running bath water. Might as well throw him a bone though since he wants to be earnest and open. "My Brother dies in a Bathtub. The Bath thing didn't bother me at first. I saw a Banshee once in his cemetery though, and it started to get to me. I thought that she was saying I would die like that too." No point in hiding it. Every pure blood knew when an Heir died, regardless of how it happened it couldn't be hidden forever. And irrespective of how hard she tried, most of her fears were well known.

  
"I'm sorry." He looks truthful and shes sure he is sorry. He has a bleeding heart and its pathetic. She hates that she likes that about him. "Do you miss him?"

  
The butterflies are gone. "Do you miss your parents?" she snaps at him, and Opal growls lowly.

  
He gives her a side eye "I don't. I wish I had them, but I don't miss them." He looks closed off too, and she wants to lay down and sleep forever. She sighs instead.

  
"I do miss him." He looks surprised she giving him anything at all. "I never met him, but he smiles at me when I visit his pictures, and I wish I had him. I would miss him more though if I had known him.” It feels like word vomit.

  
“Is that why your crying?”

  
Ugh, is he a mind healer now? “No.” She hates him again. Why would perfect Gryffindor Potter even care?

  
“Alright.” He sighs and looks away again.

  
"Why are you even still here?" she wishes he would go away, or that he hadn't shown up at all. It's easier not to like someone when they don't acknowledge you.

  
"Well, we were talking.." He hedges.

  
She hums at that "since we're ‘talking,' hows the tournament going?" She remembers her heart in her throat the whole time she watched. She didn't like dragons on a good day and missed the days when it was just Potters crazy God Father after him.

  
"Its okay I guess. The ball is uh… not going as planned." He rubs the side of his neck.

  
"I see. The first waltz right? We had assumed you would take Granger or the Weasley Girl." She assumed he would take Chang, but that ship sunk in the harbor.

  
"Oh! Uh, no, Hermione's going with Krum and Ginny's like a sister."

  
She wonders if Ginny knows that.

  
“Were you going to go with Malfoy?”

  
She looks at him like he's grown a second head, but it makes sense he wouldn't know. United Slytherin front and all that. "Most assuredly not." She fights the urge to mock gag and the actual desire to vomit at the thought alone.

  
“Okay.” He smiles slightly. It’s a bit lopsided but cute. “Would you uh, want to go with me? If you don’t already have a date?”

  
Her brain seems to stop for a moment "Excuse me?" His awkward smile falls.

  
"I mean no. It's fine. It's okay. The Gryffindor and Slytherin thing. Or you think I'm scum. I get it."

  
He looks down and Opal's claws in her tights jolts her out of her stupor.she looks up and down the stairs, half expecting the whole thing to be a joke. Or a weird dream/nightmare.

  
"You're serious?" She asks incredulously.

  
"Yes?" He looks at her again, hopefully, this time.

  
"Oh." Shes honestly surprised. He must be truly desperate to ask her of all people. "I'm flattered" she's not, shes still expecting a punch line "However I'm not attending." He looks disappointed again. She understands. Once the bottom of the barrel has been reached things start to look bleak. "I have special permission from Professor Snape to go home for Yule." He looks understanding, but still dejected. "but I know a Ravenclaw you could ask though? She's a year younger but shouldn't embarrass herself for the first waltz." He looks skeptical "Shes… nice." She's not sure how to describe the Ravenclaw to people who haven't met her.

  
“Would she want to?” He looks a bit hopeful again.

  
"The only way to know is to ask. I'm not an Oracle." He makes a face at her phrasing, "but I suppose I could write to her and let you know on Monday."  
"Thanks" He seems relieved. Pansy figured people would jump at the chance to go with Potter, regardless of the rumors he's in right now.

  
"Whatever Potter. I'm only making sure you don't make the school look worse then it already does. You know considering everything." She rolls her eyes and grabs Opal as she stands up.

  
"Sure." He's smiling, and her stomach flips. She adjusts her skirt for something to do, and Opal huffs in her arms.

  
"Well goodbye then." She goes down the stone steps. Not giving Potter a chance to say anything and indeed not thanking him for interrupting her solitude. Besides she has a letter to write.

\-- 

Pansy leaves the great hall early on Monday and quills a quick note to Potter which she leaves on his stool in double potions. If Snape notices he doesn't say or do anything to show it. Potter has to meet his date near the Ravenclaw tower by the portrait of the girl in the pink dress tomorrow after dinner. Shes free of any further obligation and will be out of the castle by Friday after classes.

  
She feels pathetically floaty at the thought of seeing her Family and being far away from a Ball of any kind. The pale lavender gown in her trunk can just be saved for next time.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to do it alternating between Harry and Pansy so next time we will see what Harry has to think about all this.  
> Thanks for reading again!


End file.
